Meeting Your Clients Where They Are: Adult Development Theory

As executive coaches, we often wonder why some clients make rapid breakthroughs while others seem to struggle with concepts that appear straightforward. The answer often lies not in their motivation or intelligence, but in their current stage of adult development. Understanding where your clients are on the developmental spectrum—and adapting your questions accordingly—can dramatically improve coaching outcomes.

Robert Kegan's Adult Development Theory provides a powerful framework for meeting clients where they are in their growth journey. Rather than applying a one-size-fits-all approach, developmental coaching recognizes that people construct meaning differently based on their current stage of development.

The Three Key Stages for Leadership Development

Socialized Mind (Stage 3)

Leaders operating from a socialized mind are primarily focused on meeting expectations and gaining approval from others. They derive their sense of self from their relationships and roles, often struggling with conflicting stakeholder expectations.

What you might observe:

• Seeking approval before making decisions

• Difficulty setting boundaries with demanding stakeholders

• Over-functioning to meet everyone's expectations

• Taking criticism personally

• Struggling with delegation due to fear of disappointing others

Questions that meet them where they are:

• "What would the important people in your organization want you to focus on?"

• "How would your team/boss respond to that decision?"

• "What expectations are you trying to meet, and whose expectations matter most?"

• "When you think about disappointing someone, what comes up for you?"

Questions that gently stretch toward growth:

• "If you set aside what others might think, what feels right?"

• "What would it look like to honor their expectations and your judgment?"

• "How might you communicate your perspective while responding to their needs?"

Self-Authoring Mind (Stage 4)

At this stage, leaders have developed their own internal compass. They can hold multiple perspectives while maintaining their viewpoint, make decisions based on their values and principles, and manage competing demands more effectively.

What you might observe:

• Clear sense of personal values and priorities

• Ability to disagree respectfully while maintaining relationships

• Comfort with ambiguity and complexity

• Taking ownership of decisions and outcomes

• Balancing stakeholder needs with strategic direction

Questions that leverage their capabilities:

• "Given your values and the organization's needs, what feels like the right approach?"

• "How do you want to navigate the tension between these competing priorities?"

• "What principles are guiding your thinking here?"

• "How can you honor different perspectives while staying true to your leadership vision?"

Questions that stretch toward greater complexity:

• "What assumptions might you be making that could limit your options?"

• "How might this situation look different through other developmental or cultural lenses?"

• "What would it mean to hold your current perspective more lightly?"

Self-Transforming Mind (Stage 5)

These leaders can step outside their meaning-making system and examine it objectively. They're comfortable with paradox, can integrate seemingly contradictory perspectives, and continuously evolve their understanding.

What you might observe:

• Comfort with paradox and contradiction

• Ability to examine their assumptions and mental models

• Integration of multiple, seemingly conflicting perspectives

• Continuous questioning of their certainties

• Leading through inquiry rather than answers

Questions that honor their complexity:

• "What contradictions or paradoxes are you noticing in this situation?"

• "How might you be both right and wrong about this simultaneously?"

• "What would it look like to experiment with the opposite of your current approach?"

• "How is this challenge inviting you to evolve your leadership?"

Practical Applications for Coaches

Start with Curiosity, Not Assessment

Rather than trying to "place" clients on the developmental spectrum, begin with genuine curiosity about how they make meaning of their leadership challenges. Listen for clues about their meaning-making system:

• How do they talk about authority and decision-making?

• What sources of validation do they seek?

• How do they handle conflict and competing demands?

• What language do they use to describe their identity and role?

Adjust Your Questions Gradually

Meet clients where they are, then gently stretch them toward greater complexity. Asking Stage 4 questions to a Stage 3 client might create confusion or overwhelm. Start with questions that match their current meaning-making system, then gradually introduce more complex perspectives.

Watch for Developmental Transitions

Some of the most powerful coaching happens when clients are transitioning between stages. They might feel confused, overwhelmed, or like their old ways of operating aren't working anymore. This is often the optimal time for developmental coaching.

Signs of developmental transition:

• Increased frustration with previously satisfying approaches

• Questioning fundamental assumptions about leadership

• Feeling caught between different ways of thinking

• Experiencing what feels like an identity crisis in their role

Sample Coaching Conversation

Client: "I'm struggling with my team. They keep coming to me with problems, and I feel like I have to solve everything for them."

Coach assessing developmental stage: "When they come to you with problems, what feels most important to you in that moment?"

Client: "I want to help them, and I worry that if I don't solve it quickly, my boss will think I'm not managing my team effectively."

This response suggests a socialized mind, which focuses on others' expectations and approval.

Appropriate follow-up questions:

• "What do you think your boss expects from you as a manager?" (Meeting them where they are)

• "How do you think your team sees you when you solve all their problems?" (Gently introducing their perspective)

• "What would it look like to help your team while also meeting your boss's expectations?" (Bridging current and next stage thinking)

The Power of Developmental Coaching

When we adapt our coaching approach to our clients' developmental stage, several things happen:

1. Increased Safety: Clients feel understood rather than judged or pushed beyond their capacity

2. Better Engagement: Questions resonate because they match how clients naturally think

3. Sustainable Growth: Development happens at an appropriate pace that builds on existing strengths

4. Reduced Resistance: Clients don't feel like they're being asked to become someone they're not

Moving Forward

Adult Development Theory isn't about labeling or limiting clients—it's about meeting them with the right complexity and support. By understanding how your clients construct meaning, you can ask questions that serve their growth and help them navigate leadership challenges more effectively.

The goal isn't to rush clients to the next developmental stage, but to help them operate more skillfully from their current stage while remaining open to natural growth. Sometimes the most powerful coaching happens when we help clients fully inhabit their current developmental capacity rather than pushing them toward something they're not ready for.

Remember: development is not about better or worse—it's about different ways of making meaning that serve us at different points in our lives and careers. Your role as a coach is to honor where your clients are while creating space for them to grow into who they're becoming.

The next time you sit with a coaching client, listen to what they're saying and how they're making meaning of their leadership challenges. The following questions will be far more powerful when they meet your client exactly where they are on their developmental journey.